God’s Plan: Part III
I had an
amazing thought the other day one that probably most Christian’s know already
but being a newly minted Christian struck me as profound. To state it as simply
as possible, everything that happens God can use for his greater glory. Take a
moment and think about the implications of that. No matter what happens God can
use it for his greater glory.
We as imperfect
human beings have a tendency to assign a label to the events that unfold in our
lives. When we are stuck in traffic or our train is late we have a tendency to
get annoyed or frustrated. It was not until I learned to take a step back and
look at the bigger picture that I began to see God’s work in every aspect of my
life. It is so easy at times to get caught up in the day-to-day things that
have a tendency to steal our attention away from the Father. It is imperative
as Christian’s that we grow to see God in everything. I am not perfect, in
anything, especially in this but I try everyday.
This is part
three in what I had originally thought would be a three part series on God’s
plan for my life. I would like to amend that now and say only that it is part
three and add that as my life continues to unfold before me so does God’s plan
for that life. It is my heart’s strongest desire that I continue to grow and
move closer to Him in service for His greater glory.
For anyone who
has not read part one of this series I will try to bring you up to speed as
quickly as possible. I was born with a rare genetic condition known as
Ectodermal Dysplasia. Basically it left me with few teeth, few sweat glands,
thin hair, and a deformed face. When I was 15 years old I had my jaw surgically
broken and realigned. When I was 17 I was fitted with a complete front bridge
across the upper top and a set of precision fit dentures for both the top and
the bottom that attached to the 7 or 8 teeth that I did have. It was for all
intensive purposes the first complete set of teeth that I had ever had. At 19 I
went in for reconstructive surgery on my nose, cheek and jawbones.
The precision
fit dentures that I had been fitted with during the spring of 1992 had lasted
just over ten years when the upper denture had broken in the summer of 2002 just
before my marriage to my wife Rebecca. I had basic dental insurance that
covered repairs to these dentures for a cost to me of only $26 dollars. So I
paid to have them repaired. They broke a few weeks later so I once again paid
to have them repaired. I was told that a new denture would have to be built
because the dentist that I was with simply refused to keep repairing them. The
cost of a new upper denture was roughly $126 dollars and while I really did not
have that kind of money just lying around I was able to find it and pay for it.
In my mind it was a small amount to pay for a new precision fit denture that
would probably last me another ten years.
When the new
denture arrived I was a bit disappointed. It was a standard denture. For
anyone who does not know the difference between a standard and a precision fit,
I certainly did not until this happened, the precision fit dentures fit into
grooves that had been cut into the teeth as well as a special cut piece of metal
that had been built behind the front bridge. The standard denture fit around
the existing teeth. I saw this as a problem because my front teeth on top were
not teeth at all but a permanent bridge. The other problem was that when I wore
the precision fit partial and smiled no one could tell that I was wearing
dentures unless they knew to look for the false teeth. With the standard
denture I had two metal hooks that wrapped around my front bridge. I was 27
years old at the time and did not relish going through the rest of my life being
self-conscious whenever I smiled. For the first 17 years of my life I had been
teased relentlessly for my thin hair and lack of teeth. When I was given my
first smile it was like a new door had opened for me. It seemed to me, at that
point in my life before I became a Christian, that the door was closing if not
completely at least a little. I expressed concern about the standard denture
attaching only to a porcelain bridge upfront and that the stress on that might
cause it to break. I was told not to worry about it because the bridge was
getting old and if it broke that would be an ideal time to get it replaced. So
with that comforting thought in mind I left with my new
denture.
On April 15,
2004 I was sitting in a staff meeting at my job when I put my teeth together and
heard a loud snap followed by a crunch. In my mouth I felt my upper teeth on
the left side give way. Nobody in the meeting seemed to notice and I did not
feel anything loose in my mouth. I ran my tongue around the front of my mouth
and did not feel anything out of place. When the meeting adjourned I went to
the restroom and removed the top denture, along with the left tooth of my front
bridge. My fear of the front bridge broken from two years earlier had come to
pass. At the exact spot where the standard denture clipped onto the front
bridge had broken exposing a section of the cut metal behind it. When I closed
my mouth the exposed metal cut into the side of my upper lip. I was able to fit
the upper denture back in but it had nothing to attach to on the upper left
side.
At this time I
was seeing a different dentist that was located closer to where Rebecca and I
had moved. I made a quick call to him to set up an appointment. The earliest
he could get me in was two weeks later. The next day I was in so much pain I
called and was able to move the appointment to the following Monday. I remember
over that weekend talking to God and asking him why. Why did this have to
happen to me now? I was in pain and I was upset. I had only had these teeth
for ten years, no one had ever told me that they would break down and need to be
replaced. I had just finished grad school and gotten married. I was probably
as poor as I have ever been financial as well as spiritually in my entire life.
I of course did not see it at the time but God had things in control and it
would not be until later that I caught a glimpse of the depth, complexity and
greatness of his plan.
I got in to see
the dentist and was told that he could build a complete bridge across the top of
my mouth that would go from one back molar all the way around to the other.
Unlike the denture this would not come out. The cost, out of pocket for us,
would be $3300 dollars; dental insurance would cover the rest. We simply did
not have the money. I went back to God and prayed. I told him that I was lost
and did not know what he wanted me to do but I put it in his hands. A few days
later I was online and decided to visit the website for the National Foundation
for Ectodermal Dysplasia. I thought I might be able to find something that
would help. I ran across a part of the site that I had never seen before that
was in regard to a treatment fund they had set up to defer the cost of treatment
for Ectodermal Dysplasia. To apply for the funds you had to prove that you had
the condition, have your dentist fill out a treatment plan and take an X-ray if
it was applicable and send it in. The foundation would review the case and
determine how much money would be given to help with the cost of the treatment.
The next review was set up for June which gave us just over two months to get
ready.
I called my
dentist and he agreed that this was a great idea. The next day I dropped off
the forms the dentist would need to fill out. My dentist, at the time, told me
that he would need two weeks to complete his end of it. With two months until
the deadline that would be fine. I started working on my part of the paper
work. Two weeks later I called the dentist to see how the paper work was going
and was told that he would need another week to complete it. No problem I told
him I would call him in a week. A week later I called and was told that he had
completed the forms but that his printer had run out of week and he would pick a
new ink cartridge up over the weekend and have them ready on Monday. We set up
a time to take the X-ray that would complete the proposal. I told him that I
would pick up everything I needed when I came in for the X-ray.
When the day
for the X-ray arrived I took the day off from working thinking that I would get
the X-ray taken, the dentist paperwork and send it all off that day in plenty of
time for the deadline. When I arrived for the X-ray at around noon or so I was
told that he did not really have the proper X-ray machine to take a full picture
of the mouth and that he had not filled out the paper work yet. He recommended
that I see an oral surgeon who was a friend of his to have the proper X-ray
taken. He had basically been lying to me for the past two months about the
paperwork he had not even looked at it. Here I was a patient of his, I was in
pain daily and desperate to get this taken care of and he simply did not care.
I was furious.
I questioned God again why this was happening to me and again asked for
direction. The deadline was a week away and I just did not know what to do. I
contacted my dental insurance and changed dentists. I then put a call into the
National Foundation for Ectodermal Dysplasia for a list of doctors, dentists and
oral surgeons in my area who were familiar with my condition. I was tired of
explaining the condition and wanted to find doctors who not only understood the
condition but also had treated people with it before.
I got the list
a few days later with an encouraging note attached from the foundation wishing
me the best of luck. On the list an oral surgeon at a local Chicago hospital
was highlighted so I called his number first. At this point I figured I had
either better get used to the pain or get an appointment with an oral surgeon
who knew the condition so that we could get the paperwork complete before the
next deadline. I explained my situation to the nurse who answered the phone.
She listened and when I had finished suggested that I talk to the doctor. I’ve
been around the medical profession since I was born and had never once spoken to
a doctor over the phone. The doctor came on the phone and we talked for a good
twenty minutes. It was during this call that he stated something that had never
occurred to me before. It was like a door had swung wide open. The doctor had
said that dental insurance would never cover the full cost of anything but that
because Ectodermal Dysplasia was a medical condition, even though I was seeking
treatment for my teeth, medical insurance should be petitioned for payment. He
told me that whatever dental insurance did not cover medical would pick up in
most cases.
It was late
July by this time and I had been dealing daily with a broken front bridge since
mid April. I set up an appointment with my new dentist and because my insurance
was an HMO I would have to talk to my primary care physician and convince him
that I needed an appointment with an oral surgeon for my teeth.
My new dentist
was truly sent from God. She offered suggestions for limiting the amount of
pain I was in as well as offering several treatment options for correcting the
problem. When I asked if she would submit my case to dental insurance she
responded enthusiastically. I met with my primary care physician who was a bit
puzzled over why one of his medical patients would come to him with what to him
seemed like a dental problem. I explained the condition to him and pretty much
refused to leave until I had the referral in my hands for an oral surgeon. I
fought hard to get the oral surgeon that had told me that my condition was a
medical condition and should be covered by medical insurance but it was not to
be. I did get the referral but because the doctor I wanted was not in the
network it was to a different oral surgeon.
In early August
I arrived for my first appointment with the oral surgeon. When we checked in we
were told that the referral, which looked like a bunch of nonsensical words
thrown together to me, did not mention anything about an X-ray and that they
could not do a proper consultation without one. I was nearly in tears. The
receptionist smiled at me and said, “Let me see what I can do about this.” We
had arrived half an hour early to fill out new patient paperwork. In twenty
minutes the staff at the oral surgeon’s office had my primary care physician fax
over a new referral which gave them permission to take the panorex X-ray they
would need for the initial evaluation.
The oral
surgeon met with my wife and I. We explained the situation to him. I went to
get the X-ray taken and ten minutes later we were looking at it. The
realization of just a part of God’s plan hit me like a tidal wave. The X-ray
revealed that the broken front bridge was the least of my problems. Due to my
lack of teeth and the fact that I had been wearing dentures for the last ten
years of my life the bone between the roof of my mouth and the bottom of my
sinus’s had worn away to the point where it was as thin as an eggshell. Had I
gone with the first dentist and gotten the complete bridge built I would not
have known about this problem until the bone had shattered which would have put
me in worse pain than I had been in when the bridge had broken and would have
opened me up to the possibility of a nasty infection. God had known that from
the start and had put in place the events and obstacles that had led me to his
point. I had questioned God when all of these things had happened instead of
just trusting in him. I made the choice right then and there to give it all to
God and trust that he was firmly in control of everything that was happening
from that moment on.
The oral
surgeon had me set up an appointment with a dentist in the clinic and explained
that they would work on my case together. They would come up with a plan for
treatment and write a letter to my medical insurance provider. He recommended
that I write a letter as well.
A few weeks
after that first appointment with the oral surgeon I sent my first proposal to
my insurance carrier for treatment. Three weeks later I got a letter back from
them rejecting my proposal for treatment they stated that they did not pay for
dental treatments of a cosmetic nature. A few days after this Rebecca and I
were having dinner with a friend of ours whose husband used to work for a
medical insurance provider. The topic of our medical insurance providers
rejection came up and we were told that most insurance carriers, except in cases
of life and death, reject the first proposal for treatment across the board. I
took that as a sign and drafted a letter appealing the letter of rejection the
next day.
I began to look
into the laws in Illinois regarding medical insurance and how it operated as
well as studying to gain a better understanding of how my medical insurance
worked. I called my insurance carrier to ask for a copy of the benefits that I
was entitled to under my medical insurance provider. I went back to get all the
dental records I could lay my hands on. I found out that in Michigan, where I
grew up, the medical professionals were only entitled to hold on to records for
seven years and that all of mine had been destroyed. I was able to get in touch
with the pediatrician who had made the initial diagnosis of Ectodermal Dysplasia
back in 1974 and she agreed to write me a letter regarding the fact the I did
have Congenital Ectodermal Dysplasia.
Three weeks
after my second letter was sent I got my second rejection letter. A few days
later I had an appointment with my new regular dentist, not the one from the
oral surgeons office, rather the one who replaced the dentist who suggested the
bridge for $3300 dollars and then strung me along for two months. When I told
her about my rejection letter from medical insurance she told me about how she
had taken a job with an insurance carrier after she had completed her dental
boards and was waiting for license to arrive. She stated that she could not
start practicing until she had gotten her license but that she had completed the
schooling. When she was asked where she wanted to work in the insurance company
she had stated that because of her background she felt she could be of help in
the dental claims department. She was told that it was not the policy of the
company to put people with experience in a particular area in that area.
When I picked
my jaw up out of my lap I went home and wrote a third letter to my insurance
carrier appealing the latest rejection. It was early December when I got the
third rejection letter. I guess they had gotten pretty sick of hearing from me
because along with the rejection letter was a page from the benefits manual,
that I had been trying to get a copy of for four months, underlined in bold
black marker where all the reasons why my claim was being rejected for a third
time. They simply did not cover medical expenses of a cosmetic nature. I
re-read the rejection letter and it clearly stated that I should not write again
because my claim would simply be rejected again. I happened to know by that
time that I could appeal to a medical board and my case would be reviewed by a
team of doctors who would hopefully know what the condition was and why I was
trying to get medical insurance to pay for it. I honestly had no idea who had
reviewed my claim up until then. It did not make sense to me that a medical
claim for insurance would not be looked at by a doctor until it had been
rejected three times.
I was preparing
to appeal to the medical board and was rereading the single page they had sent
me from the benefits manual with the reasons for rejection underlined. I
noticed that there was writing on the back of the page. I flipped it over and
saw a few more things the plan refused to cover and then about halfway down the
backside of the page was, except in cases of congenital conditions in which case
all expense are covered. Congenital conditions are those that are given to us
through our genetics. Ectodermal Dysplasia of course is a congenital
condition. I drafted my fourth letter to my insurance company and after making
a copy of it circled with the biggest fattest red marker I could find the except
in cases of congenital conditions in which case all expenses are covered. I
sent off the letter and waited.
In mid-January
of 2005 I got a letter from my insurance carrier. It was a single sheet of
paper that stated simply that my medical insurance provider had decided to pay
all expenses in relation to my claim. It had only taken seven months. I
honestly could not believe it. I was reminded at the time of two bible verses
that I now have attached to my computer screen as I write this.
I can do all
things through Christ who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4:13
Then Jesus
said, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the Glory of God?”
~ John 10:40
I had been
fighting for so long to get the funding approved that I had not really given
much thought to what it was that funding would provide. I was going under the
knife in a big way. The procedure would take place at the hospital. I would be
put under I would have the floor of my sinus cavity raised what is known as a
sinus lift. I was told at the time that it was an extremely painful procedure
with a high risk of infection. After the sinus lift they would take bone from
my hip and graph it into the pocket that was created. In time that would fuse
to the eggshell thin bone that was already there and allow the doctor to place
titanium implants that would act as an anchor for an entirely new set of
permanent teeth. The bone had to be built up because it was way too thin to
begin with but also because the implants would need to be anchored in solid bone
if they were going to last for any length of time. While all this was going on
the oral surgeon was also going to place five implants along the bottom of my
mouth providing there was sufficient bone there to put them. I understood the
procedure pretty well because twelve years prior to this I had had part of my
hip graphed onto my cheekbones in order to build them up. I thought about
having a tee shirt made that would have said my sinus’s are very hip now but it
just did not seem that funny at the time.
My biggest
concern was the recovery. I had undergone a number of procedures when I was in
my early teens and had always recovered quickly. I was now in my early thirties
and while still young I was not as young as I had been. I did not look forward
to a long painful recovery. At some point prior to the procedure I read the
following; if God brings you to it God will bring you through it. I just gave
it to God and trusted that no matter how long the recovery took or how painful
it was God would bring me through it.
The day of the
procedure came. My parents drove to Chicago to be there for Rebecca and I. In
all honesty I was more concerned for them. I would be on the operating table
for about six hours. For me it would pass instantly. They would give me the
happy juice and I would slip into a deep sleep only to wake up a moment or two
later feeling worse off then when I had gone to sleep. For my wife and my
parents it would be six hours of worrying and uncertainty.
I told them not
to worry about me that I would be alright, that God was in charge and I had no
doubt everything would turn out fine. I was wheeled in to pre-op. My left arm
was taped down to a board so they could start an IV. The tech tried starting
the IV and had a rough time with it. While the tech was trying to start the IV
a resident came and taped a large towel to my head. I was doing my best to be
supportive to the tech was really doing his best but after five minutes of
probing I found myself getting nauseated. I thought to myself with everything
they are going to be doing to me if I throw up I could almost guarantee that
would cause major problems. The tech apologized and called over a female tech
and she got the IV started on the first jab. She announced that the other tech
had been going to deep. I remember thinking where were you five minutes ago. I
was still nauseated but a quick prayer reminded me of when I had given blood
back in high school. The nurse who had taken my blood had told me that if I was
nauseated to try and cough which would clear up the nausea. A quick cough later
and the nausea cleared up at once.
I got a quick
shot of the happy juice in my IV a morphine Demerol mixture. Once I was out
they used a bit of liquid cocaine around my nose and inserted a tube up my nose
that went down the back of my throat. I was rolled into the operating theater
at around 2 in the afternoon after arriving at the hospital around 8 that
morning. Like I said for me it was an almost instant trip. One minute I was
getting the shot and wishing anyone within earshot a great weekend the next I
was in recovery listening to a tech speak too loudly about what he was going to
do that weekend. I remember thinking that they must staff recovery with people
whose conversation could wake the dead just in case something went wrong during
an operation. I reluctantly opened my eyes to light that seemed too bright and
was eventually wheeled to my room.
I must have
looked a sight. I had a vent in my hip to pull blood away from the site they
had taken the bone for the graph from along with 14 surgical staples. I had two
IV’s one in each arm. A tube up my nose that went down the back of my throat
that would take care of any blood that might be bleeding down the back of my
throat and my face was swollen and bruised from the trauma of the experience. I
was out of surgery around 8 that night and had an hour to visit with my wife and
parents before they had to leave. My throat hurt every time I swallowed due to
the tube down the back of my throat. I was told that it could not be removed
until morning. I was told that during the procedure the hospital staff took
great care of Rebecca and my parents. The oral surgeon had even called them
several times during the procedure to update them on the progress they had been
making.
I was inclined
at a 30 degree angle, had the tube up my nose that went down my throat and was
required to keep ice packs on my face to keep the swelling down. Such things do
not make for a very restful night of sleep. I was hooked up to a morphine IV
that gave me a shot of morphine every six minutes if I hit a button. I really
was not in much pain despite everything I had been through. The hardest part of
that night was the fact that it was the first time in our marriage that Rebecca
and I would be spending the night apart from one another. The pain, the tubes,
being inclined and the ice was no big deal but being away from Rebecca was
tough.
I was up all
night. I did not have my glasses so I could only barely make out the shapes of
objects around me in the darkroom. There was a clock on the wall across from me
but I could only make out the fact that it was a clock. I started talking to
God and did not stop until the next morning. I thanked him for everything, for
my wife, for my parents for my making it through the procedure. I asked him to
watch over Rebecca and my parents to let them get some sleep and not worry about
me. I prayed for everyone I could think of. I prayed for the guy in the bed
next to me whom I had not met but I knew was in a great deal of pain.
At 6:00AM the
next morning the Residents, many if not all, had probably been involved in the
surgery the day before showed up to check on me and get me ready for my first
walk. It had been almost exactly 10 hours since I had rolled out of surgery.
The first thing we did was pull the tube out of my nose that had been causing me
so much discomfort. When I swallowed it was as if my sore throat had
miraculously healed. The Resident asked if I felt up for taking a walk. I told
them that I felt like I could fly. One of the Residents smiled and said that it
was probably the morphine while another said that we should just try to walk
halfway down the hall and back. I had not taken a shot of morphine in almost
six hours it was a natural high I was on. I was happy to be alive and happy
that the worse was behind me. I was given a cane and instructed on how to use
it. They draped a second open in the back gown around me backwards so that no
one would be able to see my backside. It took four Residents to take me for a
walk. One was there just in case I started to fall. One had the IV that was in
my left arm. One had the IV that was in my right arm. The last resident led
the way occasionally looking back to make sure that I was not in too much pain.
I was sore but it really was not bad. We walked halfway down the hall and then
back to the room.
When Rebecca
and my parents arrived a little later in the morning I took a few more walks
going farther each time. At times my nose would drip blood due to the sinus
surgery but I did not let that deter me. I felt good really good. At around
eight that night the doctor was able to see me. He recommended that I stay
another night in the hospital but when I expressed to him that I felt like going
home he gave his consent. The nurses on the floor I was on were great they
found a 24-hour pharmacy near the apartment and wished me luck.
I was off work
for the next three weeks but because I worked for a college they had a great
health plan and I was fully paid for the time I had off. I was not happy at the
job all the time but I had always felt that I was there for a reason and this
was probably one of them. We had to return to the hospital the next day, which
was a Sunday, to get the vent taken out of my hip. I was about as pleasant as
it sounds but I really did not care. Over the next few weeks Rebecca was
awesome. She truly showed her love for me in everything she did. For the first
week I required someone to be there whenever I showered or went anywhere really
and she was always with me never once complaining.
At night I was
required to sleep on a 30 degree incline which was uncomfortable as all get out
for me and I tossed and turned a lot. Rebecca would wake up and realize that I
was awake and ask me if I needed anything. God was there as well. After the
second week I was well enough to go back to work. I stuck it out for another
week at home though just to make sure that I was okay. It was a fast recovery
considering everything that had been done to me.
Over the next
few months we let the implants heal and I had several more placed in under a
local anesthetic. In November I had a total of 10 titanium implants placed in
my mouth five upper and five lower. It was also in November that Rebecca and I
started attending First Baptist Church in Wooddale. We had never felt so
welcome in a church before. We could not make it from the front door to the pew
without being greeted by ten people. What struck me the most was how
comfortable I was there and how authentic everyone was. Insurance had dropped
the ball so we were waiting for them to get their ducks back in a row.
When January
rolled around we were told that the dentist wanted two teeth extracted and two
more implants put in. The teeth needed to be extracted due to the fact that the
enamel had worn off of them. It had been thinned by the Ectodermal Dysplasia
and when they had been ground down for a more normal appearance and had the
grooves cut in them for the lower dentures they had about had enough. The
problem however was that the oral surgeon who had done the operation back in
April had left his practice in Illinois and gone out to California. I would
need a new oral surgeon and it would take several months to get in to see him
because not only was he taking on all the patients of the former oral surgeon he
also had his own practice. So I figured I would trust in God’s plan and God’s
timeline and just leave it all in his capable hands.
Also around
this time a seminary student was returning from Texas with his wife. Jamie and
Cherron had returned to plant a church in the most un-churched city in America.
Rebecca and I had been attending a bible study on Thursday nights, which during
the holiday had become bell-ringing practice, which we had also done and now at
the start of the New Year 2006 we were attending Shadow Cross. Rebecca and I
both found ourselves inspired by the message and mission of what both Jamie and
Cherron had been called to do. God was starting to become more and more of a
visible presence in our lives.
On March 16,
2006 I rededicated my life to Christ. On May 21, 2006 I was baptized at First
Baptist in Wooddale with Sally another member of the church and of Shadow
Cross. Shortly thereafter medical insurance once again fell back in line and a
timeline to the completion off all the work that had begun back in 2004 was
finally set down on paper.
The extractions
and the implants went off without a hitch and I was in very little pain. Two
weeks later I went in for another procedure. This one was a bit rougher than
all the others. They had to graph some of my upper palate unto the bottom of my
mouth to fill some gaps that had formed after the front implants had been
placed. They needed to cauterize the top palate and what should have been a one
hour procedure turned into a three and a half hour procedure. Towards the end
of the procedure the Novocain was wearing off and they could not get the
bleeding to stop. They sealed the upper palate closed with a pressure bandage
of sorts and told me to gently remove it that night before I went to bed.
Rebecca and I went home both of us worn out and exhausted from the ordeal. When
I removed the pressure bandage that night the bleeding started again. I packed
my mouth with gauze and reclined for an hour praying to God that it would stop.
If it had not we would have gone into the emergency room. An hour later we
removed the gauze and happily found that my mouth was no longer bleeding. The
next day my mouth began bleeding again and I thought here we go. We packed my
mouth with gauze again and an hour later were relieved to see that not only had
the bleeding stopped but also my mouth had not bled as much as it had the day
before. On the following Wednesday I had awoken at 2:45 in the morning and was
not able to get the bleeding stopped. After over two hours of trying Rebecca
ran me into the emergency room. It was scary but at the same time I was at
peace. I knew that God was with me and everything would work out.
This last
procedure happened on July 21, 2006. It has not been as easy as the other
things that have been done. I don’t think that I have had a full night’s sleep
since the procedure. At times it has been down right scary. After a meeting of
Shadow Cross, on the Thursday after the procedure, as I was getting ready to lie
down for bed I began praying to God. I just gave him all the anxiety, the fear,
the pain just everything. I told him that if his will for me was to wake up
bleeding than I would wake up bleeding. I might not be happy about it but I
would be filled with joy that I was a child of God. I woke up several times
that night and the first thought in my mind each time was praise God. I was not
in pain and I was not bleeding which was a welcome change but even if I had been
the first thought in my mind would still have been praise God.
I have reached
a cross roads in my life. My sole desire is to glorify God and enjoy him
forever. I do not know what the future will hold for me. Whatever it turns out
to be I know that it will be so wonderful I will be smiling all the time because
God would not have gone through all of this to restore my smile if there were
not something worth smiling about. In all honesty though I think I have already
found it and that is a closer more intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and
the Father.
